it's not me that you love
by leia samarium
Summary: This fic takes place sometime in season 6, apres musical, pre as you were. Spike visits buffy’s house and thinks about her and his feelings for her.


_This fic takes place sometime in season 6, apres musical, pre as you were. Spike visits buffy's house and thinks about her and his feelings for her. _

_Disclaimer: these characters are not mine. I am not joss and can take none of the credit, wish I could but both legally and morally I can't. _

_Neither can I claim the lyrics as my own – they belong to __gary__ lightbody of snow patrol. The song is "one night is not enough" from the album when it's all over we still have to clear up. Which you should all go buy and enjoy the beauty._

It's Not Me That You Love

_You left your door wide open_

_Couldn't help but walk in_

There was a time I would have killed you now. Walking in here, unobstructed. Knowing you're up there. You can't fight me in your sleep. By the time you wake its too late. I guess things started to change the first time I came here, was invited in. On second thoughts maybe it started when i came to this damn town. Dru sensed it. She was crazy but she knew I loved you long before I did. I think at first it amused her. It was wrong, she always kind of got off on things like that. Until I sided with you against her. That was the beginning of the end. Or the end of the beginning.

_It's the last place I should be_

_But I'm dying to see you_

You invited me in again. I stood at the bottom of these stairs. I told you I loved you, that you made me feel like a man. You still do. You can hurt me more that any person on this miserable planet with a single look. But another look, a moment of trust can elate me higher than I would have thought possible. You come to me at night, looking for comfort and as much as I know its not real, that I don't have all of you, just for those nights I have some of you – I feel it and I know you do too. It might not be love. But maybe one day…but for now, forever I guess this is all I get. You have to stop beating yourself up, pet. You carry the world on your tiny shoulders and I can see it breaking you, so if I can take some of that weight for a little while I will. Because I love you.

_Have I held out for something_

_That is never going to happen_

I know, I'm beneath you. I can tell you to crawl down into the dark and dirt with me, that you belong. And part of you does. What you are is rooted in what I am. You can't deny that. But there's something. Something in you that lifts you higher than that. And me, much as I hate to admit it love. I know fine well you're too good for me. But you make me want to change, to be better so that you can look at me and not see a monster; that I can feel like a man and that you can look at me as one. Even if I will never be. 

_It's not me that you love_

I watch you, you know. After we've exhausted ourselves, after you've lost yourself in me. It's the only time I ever see you look completely at rest and at peace. I think you dream and you're back there, back in heaven. I hate that they hurt you like this. That your friends tore you from the first peace you found since this all started. I wish I could give you peace more than anything. But I think I make things worse. That you find your release with me, that you feel something but then hate yourself for it, for finding it in me and doing this to yourself. And I hate that I do that to you. And that you'll never love me.

_You woke up this morning_

_Shied away from my touch_

Before you woke up this morning I reached over to hold you, you looked so afraid. Like you knew you were going to have to face the world again. That it was still there and you had to go out into it and put on your happy face. I began to wrap you in my arms, to try and shelter you from all the hurt, all the pain. But you woke up and pushed me away. I'm a part of that hurt and that pain. And it breaks me up inside that I can't turn you away. That I can't stop myself from being a part of what you do to yourself. See the mess of contradictions you've made me into? I love you, I hate you. I'm a vampire, you're the slayer. I want to turn you away, I long for you to come to me. I want to protect you from the hurt, but I know I hurt you. I want you to love me but I know beneath any lust you feel for me, the need to escape in me that grows within you during the daylight, there is disgust. With me, with yourself. 

_I would never mean to hurt you_

_'cause I love you so much_

You look so peaceful now. Curled up on your bed, hugging a ridiculous little stuffed pig. You look like any other 20 year old. But more beautiful. More beautiful than anyone I've seen in lifetimes. I wish I could give you happiness. Once you looked like you loved life, like you hated the responsibilities of your life but that life was precious and pure and worth protecting. Now you protect life because you don't know what else there is to do, because its expected of you. The spark's missing, and I wish I could strike it. The first time you kissed me, well, I guess the first time was that ridiculous spell red cast. The first real time you kissed me, after glory, after the 'bot, after dawn, I could feel the love that flowed through you, not for me of course. But the love that drove you, that made you who you were, that made you fight and live and shine. After the singing, it was desperation I felt. Its despair you run on now pet, not love. And god it kills me

_was__ it always only one night_

_that__ you ever wanted from me_

I guess I should go. I don't want to wake you and it'll be dawn soon.  I just wanted to see you. I get worried when you don't come round. Scared something's happened. Or I worry you don't need me anymore. As much as it kills me to see you like this, I know it's the only reason you come to me. If you strike a spark, if you find what you're searching for then I'm out of the picture, I don't matter anymore, you won't need to come to me to get away from your life, your responsibilities or the emptiness you feel. And god, that would hurt, having you like this is better than not having you at all. Every part of my being yearns for you and every thought about you contradicts the last one. Because if I could do anything to let you be happy, to make you not need me anymore I would. Cos I love you so much pet, what I think, what I feel, to be honest it doesn't matter, if it would make you happy. Make you live again. 

 _It's not me that you love_


End file.
